The Wife and I have put in place a system for acquiring child-safety products. It is wondrously effective yet so simple that I would be remiss not to share it with you here.
- We first make a careful assessment of impending household dangers. This often includes receiving a crucial email from a concerned grandparent who has just read a cautionary article about a newly documented hazard, like babies choking on oven mitts.
- Next we prioritize the list of aforementioned dangers, carefully calibrated to coincide with the rapid onset of developmental milestones. This step may involve keen parental observations like, “We’re gonna hafta do something about the edges on that coffee table once he can pull up.”
- Finally, we wait for a barely averted accident, then rush out to buy the required baby-proofing.
Not long ago, I had occasion to implement our fail-safe system when our baby outgrew his plastic baby bathtub, and graduated to our big, adult, plastic bathtub. After a close call where our son attempted to lobotomize himself on the jagged corner of the tub spout, The Wife wasted no time in ordering me to procure a spout cover.
Working under deadline, I hopped on my bike and sped off to the nearest Buy Buy Baby. I should point out here that in a perfect world, we would all live in the Soviet Union, where decisions were made for you and there was no choice in spout covers. You bought the state branded cover and that was that. Ditto for shampoo. And pants. But in our imperfect world of Buy Buy Baby, a selection must be made. And the success of marriages can hinge on such choices.
In an effort to save time, I employed the “Goldilocks” paradigm and sought the three likeliest candidates. I won’t kid myself by trying to build up suspense in a spout cover review, so here’s the no-nonsense rundown:
Mommy’s Helper Faucet Cover $11
Some might see a friendly frog, warmly evocative of a certain famous amphibian. I see a liquid-spewing, rigid hand-puppet called “Mommy’s Helper” with huge potential for kink.
I almost bought this one. But the rigid plastic is too easily pulled off any tub spout. Mr. Pants would outsmart this thing within the week. And then it would be my fault he needs stitches. I said hell no, and consoled myself with my favorite Kermit The Frog joke. Warning: Laughing at this joke means you’re a bad person.
Q: What did Kermit The Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
Boon Flo Water Deflector and Protective Faucet Cover with Bubble Bath Dispenser $16
Water Deflector? Holy crap. Seriously, it deflects water into a shimmery ribbon of cascading goodness. Bubble Bath Dispenser? This was the one I wanted. It has Boon’s usual great design that says, “What kids? Welcome to our home spa.” But wait. It wasn’t going to fit our über-stylish Dorn & Bracht faucet. DQ’d for having zero versatility.
Skip Hop’s Moby $13
I like that they referenced Melville’s classic without actually employing the word dick. Nice work, Skip Hop. The Moby is exactly what a spout cover should be. The whale is freakin adorable. There’s a blowhole to facilitate access to one of those old-school shower diverters. (The Boon model above has a similar opening.) And best of all, there’s a belt-like feature that allows you to cinch the cover around any size faucet, keeping it secure. Why are you still reading this? Go. Go get one now.