Stroller Patroller

Oh man. The stroller situation is out of hand. My heels were clipped twice today by the lady behind me in the supermarket express lane. I initially showed restraint, but the second time I shot her a devastating do you mind? using only my eyebrows.

I may start issuing summonses. If you’re operating a stroller, it’s imperative that you obey the local laws. The following infractions may incur fines and/or imprisonment:

Exceeds Weight Limit: Ma’am, I’m gonna need to see some ID. Not yours. It’s your kid. He looks way too big to be riding in a stroller. And what’s he holding? Holy crap is he… texting? That kid should really be walking.

Driving To Endanger: Attention moms who try and halt traffic by nudging the stroller into the crosswalk: some of the people operating motor vehicles are from New Jersey. Their lack of concentration is compounded when Bon Jovi comes on the radio. They won’t even notice your stroller impaled on their car’s grille, and will just mistake it for a wreath.

Expired Inspection Sticker: What’s with the trend in vintage carriages, like we’re in Victorian London? I’ve ridden in smaller taxis. You do realize the wheels need oil, right? Have you had the emissions checked on that thing?

Failure to Signal: Most people will obligingly hold the door for anyone maneuvering a stroller. So it’s troubling when that gesture is not answered with an effusive “thank you.” And please don’t act all disgusted when doors aren’t held. Such niceties are to be hoped for but not expected. It’s not like I’m the one who got you pregnant.

Failure to Yield: Your baby’s needs are urgent. Your strolling her somewhere is not. Hey, Jack Bauer – leave the stroller at home if you’re in such a hurry.

No Parking: Wow, this little ice-cream shop is doing quite a business. I’ll bet they never dared dream they’d be this popular. Sure is tight in here. Hey, do you think you could leave your stroller outside? Who makes that thing anyway… Range Rover?

Wide Load: Twins are cute. They used to be rare. But fertility treatments are producing twins at an unprecedented rate. Yesterday the playground had more twins than the Metrodome. If you must push two babies, please stack them, like they’re qualifying for the double luge. We’ll feel a little badly for the kid in the bottom bunk, riding in point blank range of the fart cannon. But we’ll get over it.

Oversize Load: You should reevaluate your mode of transport if your stroller is laden with a cup holder, diaper bag, shopping bags, the dry-cleaning, Igloo cooler, and sun umbrella. As you check your reflection in every store window, take note of your striking resemblance to a hotdog vendor. Of course, if there’s a six-pack of Belgian ale concealed beneath the seat, all is forgiven. I will even help carry it up the stairs. (The six-pack – not the stroller.)


Remember that all of these guidelines may be disregarded if you’re an eccentric pushing your diminutive dog in a stroller. That’s crazy cute. More please.

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5 Responses to Stroller Patroller

  1. Sarah February 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    I need a strategy with stroller bullies. I have no problem sacrificing my body to bash into a cart bully, but blitzing a stroller probably won’t be as satisfying. HELP!

    • Daddy Confidential February 3, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

      Hmm… I take it you don’t smoke? That’s unfortunate. In that case, I recommend violent, percussive sneezing.

  2. Sarah February 3, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    Hahaha, brilliant!

  3. dnycviatnt February 5, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    Hey Daddy C – I should have worn Poise or Depends while reading this post and had a hanky. Ditto to the doggie stroller can you getta Hip Hip Hurrah Hollah!

  4. aimee July 17, 2016 at 4:34 pm #

    “Fertility treatments are pushing twins” is an inaccurate statement. It is not the process of IVF that makes twins – it is the mother choosing to have TWO embryos transferred into her instead of one and both of them implanting. With IVF costing $10-20K, many feel pressured to put two in instead of one and hope that one sticks, as it’s fucking expensive to try over and over again. Just clearing that up as it’s a huge myth out there that IVF will turn women into OctoMoms (when that crazy woman had a doctor willing to put 8 embryos inside of her) – it’s NOT the meds.

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