You Name It

Stupidly, while pregnant, we were not sufficiently secretive about the name we’d picked out for our son. The name Fox elicited concerns, disapproval, and pleas to reconsider. But seeing as you can never please everyone, you may as well satisfy yourself.

Like all parents, we have an expanding stable of nicknames to compliment our son’s real one. Rarely used in public, they are mostly endearments, slurs and situational shorthand. As with his intended name, we should probably keep these to ourselves. But in the interest of chipping away at our son’s dignity, I’ll relay a brief selection:

Baby Cracks: This is our affectionate way of calling him a crackhead. I think there may also have been a tie-in with that release the kraken meme. Like crackheads, babies are single-minded, unreasonable and totally untrustworthy.

Mr. Pants: Some people can’t wait to dress their newborns like miniature people, in full-on outfits. We opted to keep our son exclusively in amoeba-wear: onesies, kimonos, sleep sacks, and especially zip-up footie pajamas. The main criteria were a) anything shapeless and b) not too many snaps. So when at six months, our son finally donned pants, they defined him.

Tootie: Origins unknown. (My wife’s too young to remember Kim Fields on The Facts of Life.) Derivations include, Toot-Scoot, Li’l Scoot, and Toodle-licious.

The Botfly: This was actually his nickname when he was a fetus. Most expectant mothers go with peanut or jellybean, which are far too generous. Botfly was inspired by this insane video* a woman made about a parasitic maggot that was embedded in (and removed from) her scalp. It seemed a fittingly impersonal moniker while our son was just a cluster of cells causing nausea and nerves.

Cosmonaut: One of his footie pajamas looked particularly Soviet. Fox filled it out like he was president of the Young Pioneers Yuri Gagarin Fan Club.

Little Fucker: Okay I’m not proud of this. It’s not exactly a nickname per se. But I’m fairly certain I’ve uttered this more than once. Usually spoken with a mix of disbelief and helplessness at my son’s boundless enthusiasm for destruction.

Kookamunga: Generally used when child is exhibiting any jungle-like behavior, e.g. swinging from furniture and/or people. It appears to be a portmanteau of kookaburra and cowabunga.

Zorrito: As in li’l Zorro. Usually invoked to express sympathy. You’ve got to trill the (rr) for effect. Zorro is Spanish for fox. I hope for his sake my son chooses Spanish over French in school. Otherwise his name in class with be Renard. Not nearly as cool.

My wife really wants me to include Chickie Boom-Boom on this list. But I’m refusing on the grounds that this name was misappropriated from my cat, Haywood, who also goes by Baby Great White Shark and Corporal Cuddlepaws.

Okay now it’s your turn to embarrass your kid self. I know you’ve got some dorktastic house names you need to get off your chest. Let’s have ‘em, with etymology if you like.

* Here’s that botfly video. While awesome, it’s not for the squeamish.

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11 Responses to You Name It

  1. A Man Called Dad April 13, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

    Poopasaurus: This is probably self-exlpanatory. Because she poops. A lot.

  2. Michele April 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Okay, some I’m really not proud of. Since they are twins, whenthey were little, we used to denote the “shitosaurus” of the day. Yeah… I know… Now days, since they like to repeat, we use “gasasaurus” or “stinkybutt” instead of that lovely endearment.

    Maya gets called “Princess” (which she really thinks she is), “peanut” (because she is MUCH smaller than Bobby, like 10 pounds lighter and a good 3-4 inches shorter), and “MayaMoo”. Sometimes, we call her MayaJumbalaya, because she loves food and LOVES to eat. But, Peter doesnt dig nicknames, so usually, she’s just Maya unless I’m calling her something.

    Bobby has a standard nickname (since his name is Robert and we call him Bobby). He’s also Mr. B. or Bobby B or BB (his middle name is Benjamin). Again, though, that’s me… Peter doesnt like that I call them anything other than their names!

    • Daddy Confidential April 13, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

      Freakin love MayaJumbalaya. That’s a nickname and a half :-J

      • Michele April 14, 2012 at 7:13 am #

        Peter reminded me that I also call her Maya Mae Sue. I’m originally from the south, so it’s an homage to the multitude of names people are stuck with, but it started b/c the kid loves miso soup (and has since she could barely sit) and Maya Miso evolved into Maya Mae Sue!

  3. Megan Alton April 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    In utero- Baby Loaf, from the Tillamook cheese company. As a toddler- Munch or Munch Hole when I’m pissed, Pork Bottom, Port Port (I hate this one, my in laws came up with this gem), Porter-roo.

  4. Shannon April 13, 2012 at 10:42 pm #

    In utero he was my green bean. Now he is baby man, baby pants, monster, and, on his bad days, jerk-turd.

  5. Amanda April 14, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    In utero, the 2nd child was “Plan B.” you know, in case we screwed up the first child, “Plan A.” We figured having 2 children would help our odds at someone taking care of us in our old age.

  6. HFLifeMom April 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    Moon Beam because he’s often not in our world but he’s in a very happy place.

    Butt Boy because even though he’s 8, we still think he’s got a cute butt and I still love to pinch it, plus even though he’s got autism he loves butt jokes (and that’s pretty typical – yeah!)

    Pee Wee because he’s a pee wee.

  7. Melissa April 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    For our Daughter Haley, we call her Hales Bales which we use more than her actual name, and when she is being ultra bad, she is known as Halluschka Tushka, which is her Communist Dictator Nickname.

    As for our son Hudson, who is the baby of the family, he is known as Hudmeister, Sir Hud, and Hudizzle. Hudizzle is his most recent name and is due to his absolute love of booty shaking to rap music.

  8. Melissa May 1, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    RE: Kookamunga…. cannot get the theme song to Camp Cucamonga out of my head now

  9. Venus May 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    So the hubs actually has a whole laundry list of names for G, but hates when I tell people about them. Somehow he feels that nicknames should be private. However, he’s never going to read these comments… and you’re not going to tell on me, so here are a few of our faves:

    Mr. Squeaks
    G Squeakerton
    Senor Poopypants
    G Poopington
    Mr Man
    Sir Pantalones
    Sir PoopsALot

    As you see… much of our energy is spent on names featuring poop and pants. I bet you’re not surprised.

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