Until the administration clarifies its policy on drone strikes targeting American citizens, I would like to address the recent speculation regarding my son, Fox.
In short, despite his suspicious behavior of late, Fox did not recently join the Taliban. Nor does he harbor sympathies for their cause. Aside from the occasional tendancy towards anarchy, my son is apolitical, and has nothing but patriotic zeal for his country. In fact, Captain America is his second favorite superhero… or at least in his top five. Okay top ten easily.
I will now open it up to questions.
Has your son been showing an increased hostility towards authority?
He’s a toddler. He can be defiant, but I’m told it’s just a phase.
Is is true your son doesn’t recognize the United States?
Technically? I suppose that’s accurate. He doesn’t really understand geography just yet. He’s more into Toy Story. And birthday parties.
Did you once step away from your computer and return to find your son at the keyboard, having Googled the name Hassan Nasrallah?
I’m pretty sure that was random. Sort of your classic monkey-at-the-typewriter scenario. In fact, that may even have been the cat. Besides, isn’t Hassan Nasrallah the leader of Hezbollah? Are Shia and Sunni even friends?
They’re friendly. Isn’t it true that Fox was heard crying out “Allahu Akbar”?
He did cry out. But I think he was just hungry. It sounded more like “I wanna snackbar.”
Does Fox prefer sitting on the floor, maybe on a cushion? Does he exclusively wear loose, baggy clothing?
If you wanna buy his clothes you can dress him in whatever you like. Frankly between his squirming and his growing I am >this close< to just cinching a potato sack around his waist.
Is your son a student?
He goes to preschool, so yes.
Are you aware that “taliban” is the Pashto word for “students”?
If you say so.
Does he think women should not leave the house?
He can be a little attached to his mother.
Does Fox believe women should be covered at all times?
Look, that’s a variation on peek-a-boo that he plays with his mother. Before bedtime. But it’s not all the time and it’s not even in strict accordance with Sharia.
Does your son have a history of defacing art he considers blasphemous?
Is it true your son has stopped shaving?
What? He’s two and a-half. He doesn’t shave.
Then how do you explain this picture?
Where’d you even get that? That was back in December.
So Fox has been growing a beard since December?
He doesn’t have a beard! I don’t see how not shaving has anything to do with anything.
Do you on occasion refer to your son as “my little Talibani”?
What?!? Who told you about– look, it’s a term of affection! In jest! It’s sarcasm.
Is it your son’s conviction that 72 virgins await him in heaven?
I think he expects to be greeted by 72 virgins when he goes off to kindergarten. Hang on… do you hear sort of a droning sound in the distance? Is Fox in the backyard? Aw crap. I really should check on—