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Pop Quiz

April 12, 2013

The Pulitzer Prize winners will be announced Monday. I’m always amazed that men win awards for journalism. Because we make the absolute worst reporters — especially when it comes to domestic issues.

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Terrorist Twos

March 18, 2013

Until the administration clarifies its policy on drone strikes targeting American citizens, I would like to address the recent speculation regarding my son, Fox.

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Dad, Interrupted

March 14, 2013

Oh man. Have I seriously not blogged since October? Time to power up the defibrillator and revive Daddy Confidential – if only to satisfy the persistent pleadings of my loyal fan.

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MythBusters – Parenting Edition

October 19, 2012

At Gymboree last week a woman nodded in the direction of the cavorting toddlers, smiled at me and said, “Which one’s yours?” I shrugged and began to tell her, “No kids. I’m just some sketchball.”

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Get On The Bus

September 18, 2012

Mornings have seen a massive traffic increase on local roads. The congestion coincided with the start of the school year. A neighbor explained it’s because of parents driving their kids to school. Upon reflection, this is way more plausible than my pet theory – that the extra drivers are all psychoanalysts, back from August vacation.

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The Mothership Connection

August 13, 2012

Oh man. I’ve been lying low, mostly owing to intense media scrutiny over my alleged affair with Kristen Stewart. Sorry to disappoint any tabloid hacks looking for a sound bite, but I will neither confirm nor deny the affair.

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The Ties That Bind

June 16, 2012

Oh man. Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I propose a Hallmark truce. Let’s call a year’s moratorium on all holidays designed to make thoughtless people (namely: me) look bad. I guess that’s basically just Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day. We can check back in a year and see if there’s a popular outcry for the holidays’ restoration.

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Call Me Ishmael, Part Deux

May 25, 2012

Did you know the Social Security Administration tabulates data for the most popular names given to twins? People have a tendency to get cutesy with twins, as though the right names might clinch that audition for the Doublemint gum commercial.

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Call Me Ishmael

May 22, 2012

I freakin love baby names because new parents are super-sensitive, and everyone else is hyper-opinionated. It’s a perfect recipe for hurt feelings and resentment. The only thing people enjoy criticizing more than your baby name selection is your wedding.

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Please Be Kind And Rewind

May 11, 2012

Oh man. I’m feeling old. It’s not for the usual reasons, like when I start to sit and I pinch my pants at the knees and give them a little hike. Or when my wife (nine years my junior) catches me using a word like mimeograph when I mean Xerox.

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